BABY ON A PLANE

There she was a mere three feet from me. Oh, so cute! Oh, so quiet! Oh, my god...so plastic! Yes, she was the ideal baby because she wasn't REAL!

I hate babies. No matter where they are, no matter how adorable, precious and/or brilliant, they are irritating.

When you see a baby fall down and hit its head on the edge of a walnut coffee table, do you run to its aid? I don't. I laugh. HA HA HA! Then I think to myself, "Thank god they didn't knock over my Diet Coke."

auGi

ONE FISHWICH, PLEASE.

This photograph holds a special place in my heart. Why? It's the product launch location of the very first Filet 'O Fish sandwich (Santa Barbara, CA). And you thought life had no meaning!

How do I know this factoid? Forgive me for not taking a photo of it, but they actually have an engraved plaque on the inside counter letting the entire world know of their importance in McDonald's history. I bet they felt GREAT!

I, myself, prefer to call this infamous treat a "fishwich." It's what my mom always called it and I see no reason to break with tradition...other than stopping myself from making sweet love to the fishwich while it's still hot.

Factoid: tartar sauce soothes the burn.

auGi

THIS IS MY DAD.

Do you see any similarities? The eyebrows, yes. And the nose, uh huh. Oh, and the fact that we're both FUCKING CRAZY?!?

Even at 70, my dad remains a child. It's a wonderful thing, really. I'm proud to say I'm like my dad, even if we both have giant foreheads...and that my ears will someday be the size of donuts.

auGi

Few know that I was a co-star on the hit 70's drama, Grizzly Adams. Denver Pyle (middle) and I spent countless hours playing practical jokes on Dan (aka Grizzly). One day, we thought it would be funny to set fire to his beard. Little did we know the beard was real, and it went up so fast it nearly melted his teeth. That was the last time we played jokes on the set.

You may also recall Gentle Ben. He was the Grizzly that Dan had befriended in the wilderness. I must report, sadly, that GB was anything but friendly. One day he nearly ripped my leg off as I fed him a Chicken McNugget. Yet another time GB rushed Denver from behind, and gave him a reach-around. Denver lost his right ball. It was tragic, but we laughed later on when Denver got his revenge: he shaved all GB's fur off and made it into a bear blanky.

Those were the days...

auGi