I THINK I AM A SHIT FACTORY
People think I am thin because I'm hyperactive, have a fast-acting metabolism or just don't eat that much. You are all wrong. The real reason I remain this svelte? I shit 12 times a day.
In essence, I think I am the world's first biomechanical turd factory. No joke. I have shat four times since I woke up. It's 12:40 pm. That's one shit per hour. If I continue shitting at this rate (not counting the sleeping hours), I will have shit 64 times by the close of business on Friday.
You say, "Well, I wish I could have that many BM's per day. It would keep me healthy."
I laugh at you. No, I wince...in pain. For my anus is burning from the relentless evacuation. Last night my ass was so sore I thought, "I'll just apply a little Preparation H and soothe my woes." To my horror, the greasy tube was empty. Let me tell you, there's little more humiliating then having to buy hemorrhoidal cream from a guy with a name patch at Texaco.
"Yeah…Don. I'll take a newspaper, a pack of Bubbleyum and some rectal ointment, please."
I've considered buying one of those ass donuts. You know, the rubber seat cushion that provides temporary relief from the tortured anus. That might work fine at home, but how would I be perceived at the office, perched up six inches higher than normal? Or driving around in my car? I would have to drive gangsta-style to pull it off, otherwise my head would burst through my canvas roof.
Aside from the "fire in the hole" I experience after a relentless day of dumping, there's also difficulty in managing social situations. How in god's name do I justify spending 7.2 minutes in a public restroom while my date sits patiently at the dinner table, wondering where the hell I am? This has always been an issue, but I see no way to remedy the problem, other than to squeeze the cheeks together and pray for retention to withhold the bounty.
Alright, enough about this disgusting topic. You should be happy that I have the courage to lay bare my personal demons, as brown as they might be. And furthermore, in a world exploding with environmental problems caused by the abuses of industry, you should be even happier to remember this: I might be a shit factory, but at least my waste products are eco-friendly.
auGi
People think I am thin because I'm hyperactive, have a fast-acting metabolism or just don't eat that much. You are all wrong. The real reason I remain this svelte? I shit 12 times a day.
In essence, I think I am the world's first biomechanical turd factory. No joke. I have shat four times since I woke up. It's 12:40 pm. That's one shit per hour. If I continue shitting at this rate (not counting the sleeping hours), I will have shit 64 times by the close of business on Friday.
You say, "Well, I wish I could have that many BM's per day. It would keep me healthy."
I laugh at you. No, I wince...in pain. For my anus is burning from the relentless evacuation. Last night my ass was so sore I thought, "I'll just apply a little Preparation H and soothe my woes." To my horror, the greasy tube was empty. Let me tell you, there's little more humiliating then having to buy hemorrhoidal cream from a guy with a name patch at Texaco.
"Yeah…Don. I'll take a newspaper, a pack of Bubbleyum and some rectal ointment, please."
I've considered buying one of those ass donuts. You know, the rubber seat cushion that provides temporary relief from the tortured anus. That might work fine at home, but how would I be perceived at the office, perched up six inches higher than normal? Or driving around in my car? I would have to drive gangsta-style to pull it off, otherwise my head would burst through my canvas roof.
Aside from the "fire in the hole" I experience after a relentless day of dumping, there's also difficulty in managing social situations. How in god's name do I justify spending 7.2 minutes in a public restroom while my date sits patiently at the dinner table, wondering where the hell I am? This has always been an issue, but I see no way to remedy the problem, other than to squeeze the cheeks together and pray for retention to withhold the bounty.
Alright, enough about this disgusting topic. You should be happy that I have the courage to lay bare my personal demons, as brown as they might be. And furthermore, in a world exploding with environmental problems caused by the abuses of industry, you should be even happier to remember this: I might be a shit factory, but at least my waste products are eco-friendly.
auGi
posted by auGi at 12:41 PM
