SMILE WIDE...OR ELSE

So I did it...I dropped the big donuts and got the teeth retrofitted. Wow...what a change. It's so strange to actually smile and not be self-conscious about it.

Let me give you an example of how self-conscious I used to be.

I was out on a commercial audition. It was for a new gum. I was thinking the whole time, "I hope they don't ask me to show my teeth." And of course, the director did. "Come on, I need to see that smile. Open wide!"

I didn't. I just smiled like I always did (a closed-mouth grin).

She become insistent.

"Now, the agency needs to see your teeth. Please, open it up or we're going to have problems."

I felt like I was being interrogated by a goddamn Nazi. And I wasn't about to give in.

"Now, listen here, Mike..." (Clearly had paid attention to my name) "...you show me that smile...or you're fired!"

Fired? Hell, I hadn't even got the job yet and I was getting canned? Damn!

So I stood there, in complete fear as I knew, once she saw those crazy teeth, there was no way in hell I was going to get the part. But my agent specifically said this was a director "to impress...and once you're on her good side, you'll get more work."

So I opened up my mouth as wide as I could and bit off her fucking arm. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

That's what you get for messin' with the little vampire.

-a