FOREIGN OBJECTS

You ever have something stuck to you that you didn't know about? For example, yours truly went to see Catch Me if You Can yesterday. Good movie. Felt it was a departure for Spielberg. Left the movie exhilirated and ready to get some dinner. I'm standing in the lobby. The place is a madhouse. People are buying popcorn, running to the restroom, staring at me. This strange man walks up.

"Sir, did you know you have something stuck to your pants?"

I said, "Excuse me?"

"You have something on your pants?"

I said, "What is it?"

"It looks like a bathroom tissue."

I thought, "Why don't you take it off?" But then I said, "Where's it at?"

"In between your legs."

Maybe that's why he didn't take it off. So I reached between my legs and pulled what appeared to be a clump of TP sticking to my ass.

I said, "Thank you." He chuckled and walked away.

There I was standing in the midst of a massive crowd whose collective eyeballs were being drawn to a large white object glued to my sweet bottom. As Luke said in Star Wars, "What's that small moon?" And Obi Wan replied, "That's no moon...that's a space station."

I had absolutely no clue until a stranger...that's right...a complete stranger had the courage to approach me and tell me of the orb. Amen to that man wherever you are!

But it doesn't stop there. After he told me, I actually stood in the exact same spot removing the thing...reaching between my thighs and plucking away at it like a bird pecking at a stack of bird seed. It wasn't just a piece of TP, you see. It was a napkin I had shoved between my legs during the movie to hold a piece of chewed gum. So it acted as magnet between my Levi's 550's and the object which, to all untrained eyes, was undoubtedly a gigantic ball of 1-ply Scott tissue.

Remember this lesson...if you see someone with a white clumpy mass on their pants...it's the Death Star.