BEAUTY

Remember that old saying, "Beauty is skin deep"? You know the person who wrote that was ugly.

Ka boom bah!

If it's skin deep, then I'm Brad Pitt. Remove this exterior, this facade, and you've got one amazing stud. Seriously. I'm unbelievably sexy. As a matter of fact, I think Brad Pitt stole my skin and is running around in it right now. Like a jogging suit. The bastard!

"Nike introduces the new cross-country body suit in several unique styles. Choose from Pitt, Cruise, Denzel Washington or Contemporary Dork."

Apparently my mom was impregnated during a visit to the IBM job fair because I got stuck with the latter.

I look nothing like my father. And the only thing I share with my mom is her nose and curly hair. That's it. If you saw my brother you'd never know there was a connection. So what was going on?

My theory is that mom snuck onto the set of Sleeper and took a spin with Woody in the Orgasmotron. "Well, Mary...um, just press this button and...um, well...it will take care of everything."

What button did she push? Was it flesh colored with a little black spot on the tip? That's what I imagine!

No wonder my mom always got upset when Woody didn't win at the Oscars. And when he did (for Annie Hall), she wept an entire day.

I said, "Mom, why are you crying?"

"It's your father...he won...a bowling trophy."

Always sideswiping the truth, my mom. Never giving me the goods. Keeping it from me. All along she was getting the "wood" so to speak. What'd I get? The endless comparitives to the man who once was deified and is now, to use one of his own jokes, "A notch below child molester."