ALLERGY TEST

Have you ever taken an allergy test from one of those new age hippie granola meadow muffin pot smokin' Birkenstock-socked tie-dyed Grateful Deadheads driving a Vanagon? I have.

She said, "OK. I want you to put out your arm. I'm going to apply some pressure to it and you resist."

I did. She barely presses it and says, "OK?"

"Now, let me do the same thing while holding this herb."

She then applies the force of the T-1000 on my arm practically snapping it off.

"See? You're allergic to this."

Yeah. That's a legitimate test. That was eqivalent force applied. Why don't you blindfold me and make me drink blood while you're at it? Come on! I've seen this test performed on other people with the same result. Who do they think they're faking? Like I'm going to fall for that crap?

"...and this medication is only $39.99."

"I'll take two!"

Now I have ten bottles of some weird black concoction sitting in my cupboard that I took for about 30 days and has been untouched since. I think they dug up roots from the grave of Mozart and squeezed it into this vial. Homeopathic medications do not taste good! Why can't they come in fun-filled flavors like Flinstone's chewables? Or at least make a lame attempt at giving it some flavor...like that chocolate cement the dentist calls flouride treatment.

Who does the dentist think he's fooling?

Oh, yeah. This tastes like strawberry. My ass! That's Pepto Bismol's cousin, ShitBerry. I had enough shitberry growing up taking some funky medicine as a kid. I had to take this liquid that was thick and deep red...almost brown. It looked and tasted like blood.

I was so scared to take it, one night during medication time I fled to my bedroom, locked the door, hid under the bed and scrawled onto my wall, "I HATE YOU DAD!" All because of that blood.

A year after I stopped taking it, I found out that it came in a pill.

Thanks alot, mom and dad!